Making Friends
I’ve been thinking about examples in my life. Specifically,
I have been thinking about my grand father and my father and how and why they
built relationships with people. I see a pattern in their lives and I think I
know the origins of that pattern.
Let’s start with my grandfather. My grandfather was Jack Smith. We called him
Jackie… we always called him Jackie. I don’t really know why. The grandkids
named him that, the name stuck and eventually, many of his friends and family
also called him that. Jackie didn’t know any strangers. If you had any dealings
with him, or if you got anywhere near him for any length of time, if chance
brought you together with him, even under the most peculiar or unlikely
circumstances, chances are you became his friend, possibly a confidant,
probably a good friend, and in many cases, your life was altered forever after
for the better. I know that sounds like hyperbole, but believe me it’s not. Let
me tell you a story as an example of this phenomenon. Jackie was a highway
patrolman, among many other endeavors. In fact, he was one of the original
fourteen Arizona highway patrolmen. They worked alone much of the time, since
there was only one assigned to each county. They patrolled the state highways,
providing law enforcement and assistance to the public. One day, as Jackie sat
in his patrol car along side a highway, along came a motorist in a big shiny
convertible. The driver was alone in the car and he was speeding. He wasn’t
just speeding a little; he was driving dangerously fast, like the proverbial
bat outa hell! Jackie pulled out behind him and accelerated and in a mile or
two he turned on his lights, signaling the motorist to pull over. Well, the
immediate reaction from the guy was to push the pedal to the floor and go even
faster. Now my grandfather was a cool head. He had as cool a head as anybody
that I have ever known. He stayed with the runaway, pacing him and after a car
chase lasting for some miles, Jackie found a straight stretch of road and
maneuvered his police cruiser in front of the rogue motorist and managed to
head him to the side of the road. He approached the driver on foot, and when he
got a few feet away, he just stood there and stared the man down with a very
disgusted look on his face. You would have had to have known my grandfather,
and have been the recipient of the gaze of those steely, pale blue eyes to
really appreciate the effect. After a few moments, he walked around to the
passenger side, opened the door and got in, and began to lecture the driver on
traffic laws and the need for abiding by said laws for his own safety, as well
as the safety of others with whom he shared the highway. After a while, the
lecture ended, but the talk continued and they talked about their lives and
many other things. He spent two hours sitting in his car, first lecturing and
then counselling this man. When the time ended, Jackie got in his patrol car
and he drove away. He didn’t take the rogue driver into custody; he didn’t even
write him a traffic ticket. He just left the man sitting there by the side of
the road, pondering the events. How do I know all of this? Because that man
spent the rest of his life telling that story to people, including my own family
members. The man’s name was Frank Bentley. Ironically, he owned an insurance
agency, and sold home, life and auto insurance. Not only did he become my
grandfather’s insurance agent, he became his life long friend. His life was
certainly changed that day. Not only did he not die from a car wreck on that
highway, as a result of his agitated emotional state, neither did he become a
convicted felon for public endangerment, resisting arrest, or worse yet
manslaughter, had he killed someone else on that road. Instead, he received
much needed counsel and advice from a man who would become his mentor for the
rest of his life. That was quite a turn of events for him. How would you have
handled that situation? How would I? Probably not the way that Jackie did. But
then, we’re not Jackie. There was only one Jackie.
My grandfather had just one child, my father, Joe Carson
Smith. So is it surprising that he studied this gift of relationship and
friendship building that his father displayed in his life? I know he did. He
talked about it frequently, and he used these stories to teach his own children
life lessons about relationships and friendship.
My father applied
this model in his own relationship building, as a part of his ministry and
life, which were really a single integrated entity. His ministry was his life
and his life was ministry. No compartments… another tough act to follow, at
least for me. Most people know of my father as a biblical scholar, or a
preacher and teacher of some note, or maybe just as a name within the brotherhood,
usually synonymous with rabble-rouser or some other pejorative term. What many
don’t know about my father is how much of his time was spent in relationships
with people, all kinds of people. To say that his office door was always open
is not a cliché, but is the actual truth and the norm. He literally never
closed his door, unless he was counseling someone. If he was in his office, his
door was open. If someone wandered in,
whoever that someone might be, my father stopped whatever he was doing and
focused his full and complete attention on that person. I can’t tell you how
many people have told me stories about my dad spending time with them in his
office, discussing whatever was on their mind, for as long as they wished to
stay and talk to him. This applied as much to the janitor as to a church
member, or even to me, his youngest son, who wandered in and sat down and
wanted to talk to his dad about something. He was never too busy for people. He
recognized the importance of listening to and building trust with the people with
whom God brought him into contact. He understood the priority of relationships
and friendships with his flock, and as far as my dad was concerned, pretty much
everybody was a member of his flock. He was, first and foremost, a shepherd.
Don’t get me wrong. He was a notable theologian and was by many accounts an
excellent college professor and I know he was a good teacher, because I learned
much under his tutelage and instruction. He was also an excellent preacher. But
if you spent some time with him and closely observed his day to day work in
ministry, you would realize that what he did first and foremost was shepherd his
people and encourage them and counsel them and be a friend to them. That’s what
he considered the highest priority in his ministry. He didn’t just sit around
in his office and wait for people to walk in though. He was out in the highways
and hedges constantly, visiting people in hospitals, nursing homes, jails, you
name it, stopping by their homes to check on shut-ins, taking communion to
many, many countless saints who couldn’t come to the table on the Lord’s Day. I
followed him around often, first just as a preacher’s kid, then as a deacon.
When I became an elder and began the work of a shepherd myself, I would go to
see folks, and wherever I went, I would hear the same thing. “Oh Mike, good to
see you, your dad was here earlier”. As hard as I tried, I could never get
ahead of him when it came to calling on his people, until the day that he
retired. Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Well he was getting
paid to call on people after all. It was just part of his job as a paid
minister”. Well that’s true. He was getting paid, at least most of the time.
Unless the church was having trouble meeting the weekly budget, then his
paycheck was the first budget item to get deferred. He didn’t do it for the
money. He did it because he loved God and His people. He would still have done
it, even if he had taken all of his education and gone to some university and
made a whole lot more money amidst the ivory towers of academia.
We hear the word, “intentional” a lot these days, within the
context of evangelism and discipleship, along with being “missional”. Sometimes
those terms bother me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for seeking and reaching the
lost. I’m also dedicated to making disciples of Christ. The Lord has commanded
us to do both things, after all (Matt. 28). What bothers me is the motive
behind these terms (intentional & missional). I mean, insurance salesmen
are “intentional” when they contact you to buy life insurance, but their motive
is profit, not friendship. I got news for you; call girls are not looking for
relationships. They are completely focused on their mission, which is your
money. They are purely missional! Maybe purely is a poor choice of words. If
our intent is to win people to Christ, then we must first begin by loving them,
no strings, no motives, just love. That should be the intent. That should be
the mission.
We need to build relationships with people and be friends to
them because if we are there along side them, not as salesmen, but as friends, who
just happen to be in Christ, then people will see Christ in us and we will then
make them His disciples too. I think maybe, that’s what Christ meant about
loving our neighbor. I think that’s what my grandfather and my father figured
out. They followed the pattern of Jesus Christ, in his long walks with his
disciples down those dusty roads of Galilee and Judea, person to person. The
way to impact the world for Christ is one at a time, person to person, through
hours and days and months and years of relationship building and friendship
giving, until everybody that we know comes to Christ, because they see Him in
us. It’s a lot more time consuming than going out and “doing evangelism”. It’s
a lot less efficient, in terms of numbers, than utilizing emerging technologies
and methodologies in missiology. It requires a high degree of personal
investment and sometimes it gets messy, because people’s lives are messy. Sheep
are stinky, so if you can’t stand the smell then don’t be a shepherd.
The world is full of people. There is no shortage. Most of
them don’t have any relationship with Christ. Many of them don’t have any
relationship with anyone who knows Christ. Some of them don’t have any friends
or family. Let’s not pretend that there are no opportunities for us to make an
impact, to make a difference in people’s lives. It doesn’t take any training.
You don’t need to be an evangelist to bring people to Christ. You just need to
be their friend. That’s how Jack Smith did it. You don’t need to be a biblical
scholar to win people for the Lord. My father was both an evangelist and a
biblical scholar, but he won more people for the Lord by friendship than he did
any other way. He won them by showing them Christ. That was his intention. That
was his mission. Along the way he made a whole lot of friends. That was the
earthly reward for his 50+ years in ministry. He was a rich man.
